Stop Lying to Yourself and Start Reconciling with Others.

Ten Guardian-Lies 

or "Why I do not have to reconcile"

Disclaimer:  There are interpersonal conflicts that are sometimes intractable based on criminal felony offenses, years of abuse, deep emotional wounds, and the like.  I am not writing about those types of complicated conflicts.  I am writing about the normal routine conflicts that people bring into New Path Center every week.

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As a result of serving as a mediator over the last 20 years, I've noticed a pattern.  Sometimes, when I invite conflicted clients to enter a reconciliation process, the clients, along with several other clients, give amazingly similar irrational responses.  I hear the following responses over and over again.  Hence, I have learned to recognize these repeating phrases as "guardian-lies."

A guardian-lie is any belief that hinders a person from moving forward.  People are stuck NOT because of any outside force beyond his or her control.  People are stuck due to their own belief and choice.

(1)

Here are some of the most common guardian-lies that I hear.  These lies keep people from moving forward to reconciliation.

I choose to remain stuck in conflict because:

1. I know the other party will not want to reconcile.
2. Even if the other party says they want to reconcile, they are not showing enough sincerity, remorse, humility, forgiveness, (and so on).
3. Reconciling will only be a waste of time.
4. We have tried to reconcile in the past but it has never worked, and it won't work this time.
5. Any more contact with the other party will only make it worse.
6. There is nothing we could possibly do to make it better
7. The other party knows what they did wrong, they need to come to me.
8. If I have wronged someone, they have the responsibility to come to me.
9. I'm just going to avoid being around the other person.
10. The other party is "crazy!"

1. Dr. Ed Smith, Theophostice Prayer Ministry, adapted by Tony Redfern

Kingsburg Community Justice Conference

The Kingsburg Community Justice Conference (KCJC) is a community-based program of the Kingsburg Police Department and

New Path Center

in Kingsburg, California. This program provides an alternative process to address the needs of juvenile offenders and their victims which may not be met by the traditional justice system as we seek to build a healthy community.

At each KCJC, people from the community come together: juvenile offenders, victims, family members, faith leaders, law enforcement, city officials, local business owners and other concerned citizens. Our goal is to dialogue about difficult issues in an atmosphere of respect and concern for everyone involved: how the community was affected, how to repair the harm, and how to create a better future for all those involved.

In essence, KCJC implements a very old idea – we gather as a community to solve problems, and support and connect with one another. We acknowledge that we all need help at times, and in helping others we help ourselves at the same time.

The following is a brief overview of some essentials of the KCJC process:

• Participation is voluntary

• Respect and equality offered to all

• Recognition of shared values

• Willingness to speak truthfully

• Commitment to confidentiality

• Opportunity for everyone to be heard

• Willingness to honor all stories

• Decisions based on consensus

• Dialogue guided by a trained facilitator

In summary, KCJC works to reduce youth violence and increase the connectivity of the community. The Model Programs Guide of the

OJJDP

states:

Teaching conflict resolution and problem solving skills has been shown to be effective in reducing overall aggression and violent behavior.

KCJC literally puts this guideline into practice in a real-world classroom approach as we seek to build a healthy community for all of our citizens.

Got Conflict? Got Salt? Got Peace?

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness,

how can you make it salty again?

Have salt in yourselves,

and be at peace with each other."

- Jesus

It is interesting that salt and peace are linked in this teaching. Salt is a mineral that is useful as it not only preserves food but it also enhances the flavor of food. Looking at the salt metaphor and relating it to constructive relationships, Dr. Tim Geddert writes, “This saying is a call to be genuine, the real thing, the kind of disciple that preserves and enhances the community.”

The twelfth chapter of Paul’s letter to the Roman followers of Jesus is one of those classic passages of scripture that speaks into our everyday relational lives. The teachings that strike me the most in this passage are Paul’s reflections of life in a redemptive faith community. While he writes about how to live with each other and the connectedness of community, he also places a responsibility on each and every member of the community when he writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” We may see in this verse a loop-hole and declare,

“It is not possible! Peace is not possible because the other person is evil, won’t cooperate, and only wants to argue and win. They are out to control me and to destroy me!”

But notice the possibility of peace does not hinge on the other person; it depends on you and me and our willingness to be at peace with one another.

So, what needs to happen when the other parties just won’t cooperate? Are there resources available? How do you know you are doing everything possible to live at peace with this other person?

Besides my work as a mediator addressing interpersonal conflict and facilitating reconciliation for two or more people, I am increasingly called on to work with just one person and to help them constructively deal with the conflict they are experiencing. This is called Conflict Coaching (CC). CC is a process in which the individual and I communicate one-on-one for the purpose of

• developing the individual’s understanding of the conflict;
• determining what they can constructively do about it;
• and empowering them with effective relational skills.

CC is available when the other parties won’t engage in a mediation or reject a personal invitation to come together to talk through hurts and/or disagreements.

CC is available for those who want to be the kind of "salty" person that preserves and enhances the possibility of peace, i.e. “salt” for a positive change in a broken relationship.

Redeeming Apology: Growing Redemptive Community

Restoring the Church, Meta•noia Ministries.

Restoring the Church offers you a collection of resources to . . .

reconcile conflict,

equip leaders, and

grow biblical community in your church for the glory of Jesus Christ.

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/index.html

Excellent articles on apology, brokenness, courage, integrity, and justice:

How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. The first in a series of four articles on authentic confession:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/41HowsayImSorry.pdf

The courage to say, “I was wrong.” Part two of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/42CouragetosayImwrong.pdf

Integrity: considering others as the Other would. Part three of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/43IntegrityConfession_000.pdf.pdf

To act justly. The final of four articles on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/44JusticeConfession_000.pdf.pdf

[Restorative] Street Justice

During the high school lunch break, a freshman decided to kick the backside of the Kingsburg First Baptist's marquee.

Long story short, he was caught, in the act, by the police. The police called the church office and our Youth Minister, Chris Miller walked down to the scene of the crime. A KPD officer called me on my cell and I stopped by the scene. (I mediate with juvenile offenders and their victims in the Kingsburg area.)

There in front of us was a clueless young man standing on the curb with two uniformed officers asking him questions as they jotted down notes. One of the officers asked me if I had any questions for the young man. I just asked the classic victim question, "Why?" To which he answered with the classic offender response, "I don't know." With a little more coaxing, he sheepishly said he had the idea that maybe he could create some new words on the sign by kicking it with his foot and knocking letters off the sign. [Maybe this was a new way to cite "footnotes." :-) Sorry.]

One of the officers implied that the church could press trespassing charges if we wanted. He also said that maybe the youth could do something to right the wrong - like replace the letters on the sign. We talked for a moment and it was mutually agreed that the young man would return after school and fix the sign. Chris Miller told the young man to come to the church office.

That afternoon, the "offender" came to the office just as he promised. Chris and the young man walked down to the sign, replaced the letters, and talked about what happened.

Pastor Chris pointed out the obvious. We are a product of our decisions, think before acting, and everyone has made poor decisions. But he also reminded the youth that he deserved a second chance and that he was not totally defined by this immature act.

The young man broke a law, but he also broke a relationship that needed mending. As a church, we are always looking for ways to give away the church to the community. Faithful church members serve the high-school students lunch. Our basketball court is available to the public - true, we have had to set some boundaries, but it is available. Students use our picnic tables and even the church's front steps as a place to eat lunch. All in all, there is an invitation to students from the church to use church property and all we ask for is respect. This agreement really is an unspoken "social contract" based on trust.

So, this freshman broke a trusting relationship with the church. Graciously, instead of punishing the child, the police and the church decided to give him an opportunity to make it right. This was an act of grace - a step of restorative "street justice" that placed a higher value on restoring the relationship than the law being broken.

This is a modest example of living in redemptive community.

Redemption is Messy

"Bring us the drug-addicted, bring us the prostitutes, bring us the destitute, bring us the gang leaders, bring us those with AIDS,

bring us the people

nobody else wants,

whom only you can heal,

and let us love them in your name

until they are whole."

http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2009/spring/messycostlydirtyministry.html?start=1

Redemption and Leadership

Ever consider how to choose a leader to bring back what was lost?

When considering redemptive leaders for a faith-community, I recommend, The Shepherd Leader, a book by Jim Van Yperen. The book is well written and presents a logical, original thesis that has gone under the radar of mainstream students of church leadership. I offer my comments on just one section, Chapter Two, entitled, How to Recognize Who Should Lead. This chapter is a resource I come back to many times as I meet with faith-communities who are trying to discern who should lead. If you read the chapter, it will change the way you think about authority and leadership qualifications in the church.

The logic path of the chapter is simple. Here's how I look at it:

(Calling + Gifting + Appointment) x Character = Spiritual Authority.

Calling is God saying, "Do this" - plain and simple.

Gifting is what God gives an individual to do the call from God.

Appointment is the affirmation of God's calling and gifting to a specific time, purpose, and place. Appointment comes through the church, the faith-community of Christ-followers.

When the above elements come together there is Spiritual Authority.

Spiritual Authority is rooted in God's grace and the empowering of the Holy Spirit. Therefore it requires a responsible and humble response on the part of the leader.

Character holds the whole leadership equation together. If Character is zero because of a lack of spiritual fruit, moral failure, or misconduct, the leader has zero Spiritual Authority. The leader could have the Calling, Gifting, and Appointment but without Character the leader forfeits Spiritual Authority - it all blows apart!

Spiritual Authority, therefore, is the convergence and expansion of everything listed before the equal sign. Spiritual Authority is not based on experience or knowledge, relationships, position, or a constitution. It is God's authority entrusted to a humble and responsible member of the faith-community of believers.

Why a redemptive leader? We need leaders with Spiritual Authority to lead our faith-communities out of bondage into freedom; to equip us to be the keepers and reminders of God's covenant; to balance our brokenness with courage, and integrity with justice; to bring back what was taken; to rob the house of darkness and bring us into the light; and to redeem who we are under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Yes on 8 vs. No on 8 - Where's the redemptive response?

11/16/2008 Fresno, CA, USA -- The Prop 8 fight has taken a peaceful turn toward the positive, at least here in the valley - Click

here

.

Three cheers for Fresno! How refreshing! Let's follow their example and use invitation instead of escalation.

Can we listen and understand each other instead of being bent on destroying each other? Understanding does not mean agreement, but agreement can come from understanding. In fact, there are only four ways to respond to this or any conflict: escalation, arbitration, mediation, or invitation. What I mainly see on the news is escalation. I hope we can find ways to invite others into the dialogue.

Frankly, there is no reconciliation without invitation. Someone has to do the work of invitation. Otherwise, it is just all about power.

Generosity: Mark of a Redemptive Community

"

That's not fair!"

In a past NPC mediation for a non-profit organization, fairness was an issue – fairness over who received what and how much. What does Jesus think of this type of conflict? I do not know the circumstances behind the recording of the siblings' protest in Luke 12:13. But whatever the circumstances, Jesus seems less concerned about fairness and more concerned about motives. While the protesting sibling wants arbitration, Jesus refuses to be the judge or arbiter. In fact, He says to the listening crowd including both siblings, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed: a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions” (v.15).

Jesus then teaches on different kinds of greed:

Greed that accumulates and “stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God” (v.21).

Greed that enumerates and worries about “life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear” (v.22).

Greed that consecrates and defines “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (v.34).

Greed that procrastinates and “knows his master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants” (v.47).

Granted, sometimes conflict is about injustice and fairness, but sometimes we must consider the greed factor. So, is it really about fairness or is it about one’s own greed – concerned with amassing wealth, consumed with taking inventories, compulsive over the hoard, or continually postponing what God desires?

Proverbs 11:25 teaches, “A generous man will prosper: he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” Simply, generosity promotes redemptive community, while greed destroys relationships.

Forgiveness: Mark of a Redemptive Community

Sometimes when I talk about redemptive community, people look at me . . . like I am from outer space.

What does a “redemptive community” look like?

Well, when I see an example of this type of community, I have to share it.

Jim

and

Sharon

Van Yperen of

Metanoia Ministries

, along with several tireless volunteers located throughout the nation, work hard at recovering and growing redemptive community in the church. (No, that is not a picture of Jim and Sharon - see the links.) In a recent prayer-email, Jim shared the following report after assessing and making a final report to one church that is going through a very difficult time of conflict. Jim writes:

Friends,

Thank you for your prayers for us these past three days and especially for our reconciliation meetings this morning. God was truly present in these meetings. Each person came prepared with written notes to make heartfelt confession to one another. One man told us he was up most of the night and knew that God's Spirit was convicting him of sin. He actually wrote and read four pages of carefully worded confession where he took unconditional and complete responsibility for the sin of pride, judging motives and gossip -- acknowledging the pain his words and actions had caused, expressing genuine remorse and asking for forgiveness. As he read his confession the tears flowed from the two he had sinned against washing away the fear, distrust and bitterness that had been present before walking into the room. At the end of the meeting they embraced one another, reconfirmed their love for one another and their commitment to rebuild lost trust in their relationship. It was amazing. Each of the three meetings was truly remarkable as people carefully and humbly spoke to each other.

Of course, this is only the start of a process and there is much more that these and others need to do, but it was a good day for the Kingdom of God and a great start toward healing in this church. Thank you for your prayers.

Peace, Jim

Thank you, Jim, for the wonderful story of redeeming what was lost.

Truly, without forgiveness, there is no hope for being a redemptive community.