Provoked Self-Defense? Frank vs. Eric in contrast to US vs. Iran.

I am not an attorney. I do not give legal advice. I am not giving legal advice now to anyone on any topic. But I recently served on a jury regarding a trial involving assault with a firearm which resulted in great bodily injury.

"Frank" and "Eric" had a history of not getting along. One day, the two men had yet another argument. Eric was clearly the aggressor using verbal attacks, threats, and physical

gestures

of aggressive behavior. Frank kept trying to retreat. But Eric was relentless in his pursuit of Frank as Frank tried to return to his home. In fact, some of Eric's family had to restrain him from following Frank. Eric was a thug and bully, no question. However, the scene changed as Frank returned from his home to confront Eric. Frank began to provoke,

taunt, belittle, and display a "bring it attitude" toward Eric. Eric was enraged and broke the restraints of his family. Eric rushed Frank with the intent to "kick his ass." When Eric was within five feet of Frank, Frank pulled out a handgun and shot Eric. Eric's injury was not fatal.

During the trial the defense attorney worked from a self-defense argument. However, Frank was found guilty because, under California law, a

defendant cannot plea self-defense when he provoked the attack.

Now, consider the proposed sanctions to be imposed upon Iran by the US. Of course, the question becomes who is Frank and who is Eric?

See:

Rand Paul Shuts Down Iran Sanctions Bill With One Sentence.

What’s in a Word?

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands,

that goes to his head.

If you talk to him in his language,

that goes to his heart."

- Nelson Mandela

(Warning: Coarse language included. Sorry, but I run with a rough crowd.)

I am learning something. Words do not always communicate. I feel I am constantly learning a new language (even foul if need be) as I try to communicate with people.

I have noticed several of the juvenile offenders, who are referred to New Path Center through Fresno County Probation, Kingsburg Police, or the Victim Offender Reconciliation Program, do not understand the meaning of the word “conflict.” So, when I use the terms “Conflict Management,” “Conflict Style,” or ask them to describe a “conflict” they have experienced, they do not have a clue what I am talking about.

I am listening and, hopefully, learning.

Definitions of "con·flict" from those I serve:

Punking:

Manipulation, deceit.

Issue:

A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one

Combat:

A prolonged armed struggle

Argument:

An incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests

Beef:

A condition in which a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs

F***ed Up:

Be incompatible or at variance

Drama:

Having or showing confused and mutually inconsistent feelings

Gang War:

A clash or disagreement, often violent, between two opposing groups or individuals; An incompatibility, as of two things that cannot be simultaneously fulfilled; To be at odds (with); to disagree or be incompatible; To overlap (with), as in a turf-war

Smack, dogging, talking s**t:

Striking, or dashing together; fighting; contending; struggling to resist and overcome; Being in opposition; contrary; contradictory

Bitch:

Limitations, complexities, or complications that result in a disagreement between the parties involved as to how the remediation is to be performed

Problem:

Someone wants something and people and things keep getting in the way of them achieving the goal

Harassment:

A situation in which opposing viewpoints have come into physical confrontation. Conflicts are more intractable than simple disputes because of the existence of institutionalized, fundamental disagreement with limited malleability of participants or the situation

Jacked-up:

the clash of actions, emotions, objectives, or philosophies that inhibit or divert the agonists, either protagonist or antagonist; including innerpersonal, intrapersonal, interpersonal, extrapersonal, antisocial, cross-cultural, extrasocial, and mystical

Coarse as some of these words are, my goal is to speak to hearts; to experience communication where the words don't get in the way.

Breaking the ties that keep binding us in conflict . . .

“Eight Ways to Turn Disagreements into Feuds” By Ron Kraybill

1. “Easily the most potent tool for ensuring a life well-scarred by disputes is to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict.”

2. “If perchance you do get in a situation where you are discussing a conflict with the other party involved, be as vague as possible about the issues.”

3. “The third commandment of conflict maintenance is to assume that you know all the facts of the matter and that they (the facts) clearly indicate you are right.”

4. “An effective variation, particularly useful in those situations where a rather unassertive person is upset with you, is to announce that you will talk with anyone who wishes to discuss problems with you – then let it be known that your responsibility ends there.”

5. “Latch onto whatever evidence you can find – count on it, you’ll always be able to find some – showing that the main problem is the other party is jealous of you.”

6. “Judge the motivation of the other party on the basis of one or two mistakes on their part.”

7. “If all these conflict maintaining mechanisms fail and, despite your best efforts, you find yourself engaging in discussion with your opponent, approach resolution as a strictly win/lose situation.”

8. “Your last line of recourse, if somehow a proposal is brought to you that might resolve the dispute, is to respond that you are not in a position to negotiate.”

“There you have it folks. Master these principles in one dispute, and you will find it easier to get involved in others as well. Those interested in avoiding change and growth in personal relationships should find these principles particularly helpful. A few simmering disputes will in time differentiate bland souls with obvious scars. It’ll make them real characters!”

Redeeming a Marriage & Family

Talk about doing the heavy-lifting of processing family burdens and heaving-around a ship engulfed in a relationship storm. I mediated a marriage and family agreement with a couple in crisis. After months of facilitating dialogue regarding hurts, issues, positions, and interests, they came to an excellent working agreement. They, not me, did the work of heavy-lifting but, of course, the real work is in keeping this agreement to keep their marriage and family on course and off the rocks of separation. Even so, the agreement and promises when made and kept give an opportunity for trust to grow.

Here is their agreement, used by permission, in their own words:

“In faith, we ask God to continue to help us as we recognize that our marriage and family have come a long way from what it was at one time. Once we did not handle our offenses and disagreements very well. We separated from each other rather than gathered together. We allowed power and selfishness to drive our responses to each other.”

“We recognize that in the past we wanted to be right – but today, we want to be reconciled with each other. We want to know and experience that everything is okay between us.”

“So, as our hearts turn to God, we say we are sorry for all the ways we have hurt each other. We are willing to make things as right as possible from this day on to assure each other that peace and happiness will thrive in our marriage and family.”

“Therefore, with God’s help, we make the following promises that give us all a brighter future and a meaningful start point for healing in our family. As a result of much time spent talking and understanding each other, we desire to make family a high priority for everyone by doing activities together as a couple and a family. We invite each other to enjoy life together. We want to make good memories and lasting values that will go on for generations and generations. We want family stories that will tell of our love, intimacy, connection, and respect for each other. We want people to know that we really know each other and that we experienced redemption – i.e. we recovered what was lost or that which we never even had.”

“We look to a future of no regrets and no fears of abandonment. We strive to be a safe home for everyone as we have a mutual connection to a faith-community where we can all grow and be transformed. We strive to connect to each other through reading God’s word, listening to God’s Spirit, and being with God’s people.”

“We also realize we need to take all of the above promises in steps and to give each other time to change and grow. We promise to extend grace to each other as we change. We want to be a grace-based couple and family. We agree to change our parenting styles to help our children become independent responsible adults. Therefore, we will strive to be loving, accepting, and gracious parents who will extend unconditional love and at the same time not to be afraid to speak truth-in-love.”

“We promise to do our part and have confidence that God will do His part. God specializes in doing the impossible and we trust Him for the miracles to keep our marriage and family on the right path – His path.”

Yes on 8 vs. No on 8 - Where's the redemptive response?

11/16/2008 Fresno, CA, USA -- The Prop 8 fight has taken a peaceful turn toward the positive, at least here in the valley - Click

here

.

Three cheers for Fresno! How refreshing! Let's follow their example and use invitation instead of escalation.

Can we listen and understand each other instead of being bent on destroying each other? Understanding does not mean agreement, but agreement can come from understanding. In fact, there are only four ways to respond to this or any conflict: escalation, arbitration, mediation, or invitation. What I mainly see on the news is escalation. I hope we can find ways to invite others into the dialogue.

Frankly, there is no reconciliation without invitation. Someone has to do the work of invitation. Otherwise, it is just all about power.

Heaving Around

A wonderful print hangs in my office. The painting is titled "Heaving Around." Maritime artist, Marek Sarba, captures a difficult maneuver in a stormy seascape. The painting "depicts the Saint Andre being made fast to the towing bit of the steam tug ADLER, a maneuver that poses great danger to crewmen and vessels in heavy seas." The disabled freighter is literally being pulled by the tug so it can gain a more favorable position to weather the storm. Without this maneuver, the ship would be doomed.

As a mediator, I believe the painting is a metaphor for those constructive but critical moments during a mediation when one can see the interactions of the participants move in a redemptive way. Even in the worst emotional storms, I really believe when those heaving-around moments come, God is present. Time and time again, I have seen the heaving-around moment come in the form of a much needed and sincere apology.

Here's what a heaving-around moment sounds like, "I hurt you. I am so sorry. I want to make sure this never happens again. So, this is how I will promise to change . . ."

That's the kind of apology that will help any relationship to weather the storms of conflict.

More on the art of Apology

More on the painting Heaving Around

More on the artist Marek Sarba

Redemptive Detour

Sometimes healing comes in other forms than what we intended. Sometimes redemption is redirected. A while ago, a new mediator called me to share the details of his first completed case. His enthusiasm was evident as he took me through his steps of working with a juvenile offender and the victim of the offender’s crime. While the mediation did not have all the elements of being “completed,” there was a different type of healing taking place. The more difficult task for the new mediator was not dealing with the offender and the victim as much as it was dealing with the tension between the juvenile and his parents. This tension made the mediation difficult. Even so, the mediation proved to be a turning point for the family. After the mediation came to an end, the father of the juvenile privately asked the mediator if he knew of a resource that would help them become better parents. This is a great example of how mediation becomes not just a time for problem-solving but an opportunity for redemptive transformation. By the way, the mediator is a member of a faith-community and, of course, has connections to resources!

Adversarial or Redemptive?

Once in a while, I am asked to mediate a case that is on a Fresno court calendar. The court will actually spin-off a case where they feel mediation is a better option compared to entering the adversarial court option. Normally, these cases come through the Dispute Settlement Center in Fresno.

I was asked to mediate between two families entrenched in conflict. They both had hired attorneys, filed suits/counter suits, and they were ready to go to court. I can’t tell you the details but it started over something very minor in my opinion. None-the-less, the minor became major to the point of their willingness to go to court over it and spend a lot of money on legal advice and representation.

The night of the mediation came, the families came including fathers, mothers and children, and the attorneys came. I asked the attorneys to sit in the back and they complied.

I started with a simple process. First, guidelines on how we are going to talk to each other. Second, asked everyone to be constructive and they agreed. Third, talked about what happened including each person sharing what he/she did to make this conflict escalate. Fourth, talked about what we needed to do to make things as right as possible. Fifth, talked about what we can promise that will help each other have a clearer picture of what the future relationship looks like. In theological terms, what we simply did was confession, atonement, and repentance.

By the end of the evening, the attorneys were utterly amazed at the progress, reconciliation, and forgiveness that took place in their midst. In fact, they suggested the court date be cancelled and . . . they waived their fees!

Could it be what God has modeled and taught us to do really works? Hmmmmm . . .

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." - GK Chesterton